Ponder this:

Sunday, April 15, 2012

The Slough of Despond

I am here, languishing on the shore of the Slough of Despond, thinking thoughts too long, tired and dreary for sharing, particularly in a blog named Aging Gratefully

The slough of despond from this site

It doesn't do to think too far into the future, and it doesn't do to think too far back into the past. I need to learn (is such a change of habit possible at this age?) to dash back and grab whatever piece of information I need from those days and not spend time picking over the mess in that old junk yard.

The internal dialog:
He/she/it done me wrong!
(In the voice of the AA Sponsor): What is your part in it?
I had no part in it! It wasn't my fault!
(In the voice of the AA Sponsor): What is your part in it? Acknowledge that, first.
I was a little kid. I had no control over anything. I was supposed to be taught how to act and nobody taught me. 
Even the doctor says from the wing chair across the room, "You had no choice. You were set up."
So where does that leave a person?
I have a cavity in my heart, in my soul, that should have been filled when I was six years old.
Now it is too late to fill it, to heal it. It is too late for me to become whole.
What might I have been?
What might I have achieved?

It doesn't matter. It's all done and over and the task is to make what peace I can with it and stay in this moment, which is better . . . so much better . . . than it used to be. And so much better than it might have been.
We're all walking wounded.
This too shall pass.
I am A Fortunate Woman. I know that even when I don't feel it.


Linda Myers said...

No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.

Don't ask me why this statement, of all the others, came to mind when I read your post.

Thinking of you.

Rubye Jack said...

It took me a long time to figure out that "we are all walking wounded" since I thought I was one of the few who didn't get what she needed early on. Over the years I've come to find that a lot of people put on a great front but underneath they also hurt. I don't know how fortunate I am but I do know I'm very lucky. Hang in there.

June said...

Thanks, Linda.
I know that to be true.
In response that oft-emailed jokey thing comes to mind: If you can't set a good example, you can be a cautionary something or other...

June said...

Rubye, I knew you'd *get* this. Thanks.

Barb said...

We all harbor needs and secrets from the past. We can't change what was or wasn't done, but I do hope we can find a way to heal (and possibly forgive, even if we must first forgive ourselves). I'm sorry you're in "the slough of despond," I've missed your writing.

the veg artist said...

I feel this too. Orphaned very young, there was little support, and I said and did things that now I can see were not my fault. Who might I have become and what might I have achieved? I ask this often.

The Cranky Crone, she lives alone! said...

Dear june, I think i am feeling the same, I cannot think of anything clever to say, that may or may not help the way you feel, I hope its just suffice to say, I hope this passes quickly for you, and I send you my warm wishes and thoughts.xxx

rachel said...

Phew, June, that touched my heart.

This too shall pass - the best and truest words to hold onto when all else fails.

Loving thoughts from another WW.

Rose ~ from Oz said...

Though you may not presently be "feeling" a fortunate woman dear June, you are very much a loved one. I am so happy to see you back, you have been missed.
I would very much like to be able to huff my way up your drive and partake in a cup of tea and a truffle perhaps.

Pauline said...

this is such a universal problem - how to live with what's in us done by the hands of others when we were small. I have a friend who has decided to "make room" for her pain as she seems able to neither forget it or work through it. Keeping you tucked in my prayersleeve.

esbboston said...

Ah, a heart shaped hole, becoming a heart shaped whole.

DJan said...

I much prefer that you write what is on your mind (like this post) than try to make it match your title. Everyone is hurting from past wrongs, in one way or another, and for me every once in awhile it gets me down. I am hoping, however, that it will be as esboston wrote: a heart shaped whole -- writing about it helps me to realize that I am normal when I feel these emotions myself.

VioletSky said...

a heart shaped hole at least has a nice inward point to hang onto for climbing onto and using as a ledge, hopefully not to use to dive back in.

Hildred said...

Sometimes it takes a lot of courage to 'let go' and live as fully in the present as we possibly can. It is always helpful to remember that the sun comes out again and life gets cheerier.

Pearl said...

I understand this. My seventh year was marred by death and loss, have no memories of being 8 or 9.

This really touched me.


SmitoniusAndSonata said...

I wish there was something magic I could say to make it all feel better , but sadly there isn't .
I can only say that you should feel very proud of all you've done to repair the hurt and proud of who you've become despite it all .
So I'll just send a soppy virtual hug and hope you feel happier very soon .

Anonymous said...

I have such days and times too, that deep sadness, which has never left me A deep loneliness--which seems the great unmentionable in our society. Over the years I have found so many suffer from this. Then other days I feel such joy at the everyday--especially compared to where I come from. Anyway, i love your blog. keep the faith. (Also-- thanks for rescuing me from the relentless perky Christmas letter of Facebook:)

Hilary said...

I'm sorry you're hurting, June. Sending a warm hug your way.

Carolynn Anctil said...

You wouldn't be the great YOU that you ARE if not for the experiences you've had - both good and bad. I know that sounds trite, but I believe it to be true. Everything you've been through enhances the gifts that you have to share with the rest of us. And, it's okay to feel crappy, every now and again. Allow yourself to feel it completely, just don't stay there.

"Not even God can change the past." Anonymous.

Much Love & Hugs,