I have some young friends who enjoy sending me those twenty-questions emails that often include the question: What do you fear most? My response is always "abandonment." My meaning is not the joyful reckless abandon meaning; it is being left that I fear.
Real disaster is not fearsome to me. When disaster is a fait accompli
I know how to divorce my feelings of fright from the need to handle things to make them as right as they can be under the circumstances.
Failing scares me.
Appearing stupid scares me.
The things that scare me are based on the recurring fallacious belief that I am in control of events and other people's attitudes and actions.
Most people try to live by self-propulsion. Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful. ~Chapter 5
Mmmhmmm. That's me in those moments of Scared.
You would think that I would be able to let go of that once and for all: that kind of fear is no longer appropriate to my life. It doesn't happen that way, though; it takes that daily vigilance and forgiving self-examination to make it stay gone.
Since I have those tools now, I'll need to think of something new that scares me.
...or perhaps not.
I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. ~Bill Cosby
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8 comments:
fear of abandonment is a big one. i can get that way too.
Everything you said rings true with me, and the Cosby quote is spot on. A really interesting read.
Excellent, as always.
What scares me? Chapter 5 scares me...it's a little too familiar...
Big warm bunny hug for you this Easter morning.
good food for thought...
I love reading your blog - always makes me think!
Oh I have big time abandonment issues. Mostly with people leaving by way of death...which is so final. Not their fault I know, but I'm abandoned nonetheless.
This tends to make me a jealous person, clinging to people like I'm hanging on for dear life, so I'm trying hard to learn NOT to be jealous and clingy. I'm trying to learn to "let go" which has really been a tough one for me. I've made great strides, especially by learning to be alone and actually enjoy being with just me!
But life is good, though sometimes scary, still very very good :)
I know those scaries. Letting go is one of the hardest things to do, I think. It's constant work and not very rewarding, in my book. Good post!!
Not being in control emotionally is something that scares me. Perhaps it is difficult for me because I have been at the place where there was no emotional control so I have a memory of it.
Nice one really.There's a scary poem on my blog.Chk it out soon.
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