Ponder this:

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

It's tax collection time in Small Pond. The very efficient property owners come in now, early in the month, and most of them are good-natured. They're prepared and ready to pay their bills and it's just another transaction. Not necessarily pleasant, but necessary all the same.  This morning, a maturely beautiful and energetic woman blew through the door and began to dig in her purse for the paperwork. She started to talk, at first in a moderate tone that quickly escalated to full good-natured rant. 
Just a guess . . . but I think she wasn't born on this side of The Pond...


"Oi 'ate to give awl this monnay, especially when the village don't do a bleedin' thing for yeh. They don't even take the bleedin' leaves! They used to! G------ville used to when Oi lived thahh!"


I don't know this woman, but Oi couldn' 'elp it. I slipped into the best lingual match I could come up with as I leaned toward her with: "Yeh! But'cha came 'eah, dintcha?"


"Oi did!" she answered.


There followed a hugely enthusiastic and entertaining story of her having followed, this morning, a fellow dogwalker "...'oo lets 'is dog shit wherever 'e pleezes and he don't pick it up! An' 'e 'as a big dog! Oi 'ave a lit'le dog and Oi alwez 'ave a bag, y'see! (waving the imaginary Proper Poop Receptacle above her head) So Oi picked up 'is dog's shit and followed 'im 'ome."
Triumphant satisfaction: "Naow Oi know where 'e lives, y'see! So I drove in be'ind 'im, an' Oi opened moi windaow an' I dropped the bag full of 'is dog's shit an' Oi said, 'Yoo forgawt this!'"
"Well, good for you!" I told her. "That's what people should do instead of calling here about it."
"Do people call yoo about those things! We' that's just stoopid. Oi'll take care of people like that m'self!"
"Next time," I said, "you should put it in a paper bag and put it on his porch and set it on fire."
"Oi should! (pause) Buttit probably wouldn't burn!" 
And she threw back her head and laughed to the heavens.
She'd finished her municipal business while she thrilled me with her story, a common one, but so wonderfully delivered . . . and before leaving, turned to Jane, who'd been stamping things and writing receipts. 
"Awlrigh' naow. Come aroun' the counteh 'eah and give me a 'ug. It's good t'see yeh."


The cast of characters is better, some days, than others.

15 comments:

Barb said...

Your character study is wonderful - I wish the small-dog lady lived next to me in the city a couple years ago. She could have taken over for me - I used to pick up my neighbor's dog poop and deposit it back in his yard. His poor old dog died, so that routine is gone forever (thank goodness).

ladyhawthorne said...

oh my goodness, what a riot!

Woodswalker said...

Ha ha ha ha ha! Very funny! Some folks just make your day!

#1Nana said...

Good one! I hadn't seen your talent for accents before. I have a hard time trying to write how characters speak...you did a great job.

On the other hand, I'd have to have an interesting conversation first...today the most interesting conversation was the ultrasound technician commenting on the shadow cast by my full bowel that made the bladder hard to see...yuck! Not interesting at all!

Linda Myers said...

Lovely recounting of that episode!

Floridagirl said...

That was great! and funny! I like to deal with people who have some spark at least as opposed to those with a dour outlook.

SmitoniusAndSonata said...

You've made a friend for life !

Blipfillypicklepoo said...

I love people and I love the way you write about them. More, please.

rachel said...

Wonderful! And much funnier than whoever it is near me who draws a circle in chalk round the offending poop and writes "Illegal. Unacceptable." And leaves it there.

Carolynn said...

She sounds like a real character, indeed!

My Dad hated dogs 'pooping' on his lawn (he used somewhat more colourful language). He was known to pick it up with a shovel, carry said poop to the neighbour's house, ring the doorbell, and deposit it on their landing. He also left it in their mailbox. Is it any wonder he never got along with any of the neighbours?

Sightingsat60 said...

Having just paid our school tax, and come in from walking the dog . . . I can relate! Btw, did you know -- I looked it up -- that there are 23 states that claim a Newark, which apparently was originally named after Newark, England.

As far as flying . . . don't get me started!

June said...

Sightings, no I didn't know that. I did some looking up of my own and found that all but four states boast a toponym of Riverside.
I would never have guessed.

Sightingsat60 said...

You got me! Don't know what toponym even means. At first I thought toponym was one of those ladies' products. But then I looked it up and saw it refers to the origin of names. You learn something new every day, esp. if you blog!

Lord Wellbourne said...

I would so have liked to be in that office! Your own personal BBC America!

Bibi said...

Oh, my...I was there ! Standing right next to you and I could see and hear that woman perfectly !!

WHAT a talent, June !!!!!!!!!!